I had to stop watching Love Jones.
It’s one of my favorite movies of all time, and, now I can’t even get through it. The entire time I was watching it, I just kept thinking about him and how I want to do the things that Nina and Darius did, but with him, and how much Larenz Tate’s smile even looks like his. I had to turn it off when it got to the kitchen scene the morning after they spend the night together, and he’s making omelettes with no shirt on, and I found myself looking for the light patch of skin that he has under his arm/on his back.
I can’t do this. This entire year, I got by on the thought of spending my summer with him, and now I don’t think I can. If I do, it won’t be the same, and it’s going to be really hard. I’m not looking forward to that.
What’s worse is that nothing really changed. There are just certain things that I’m afraid to say now, and I can’t look at him without thinking about how much I just want to touch his face, and then I realize that I can’t, and I completely lose it. So I have to pretend that everything’s cool, but, the truth is, nothing is. I don’t want to keep acting like it is. I didn’t want this in the first place. I don’t care if we “had to” do it. I didn’t want to. It’s harder this way.
Fuck.
